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Cure

“I will kill you” Jared gnarled at the woman who stood close to his legs and yet too far for him to physically do anything due to sheer incapability stemming from the fact that there was now an axe lodged into his stomach.

“Sure, when you’ve bled the entire volume inside your body onto this unfortunately pretty flooring.” Mary smirked. As an after thought, she added “I always did tell you marble is too classy.”

Mary turned and felt the symbolism of it all. She was leaving her old self in that moment. The meek self that let herself be tortured under his hands. She still could not comprehend the starting of it all. He was merely an acquaintance from one of her social meetings with other book lovers. She had met many others who she later went on to write voraciously to. He had been the singular point of difference. He had entered her life. He had monitored her. Now that she thought back about it, she wasn’t sure if he had even liked books or if he had picked enough knowledge to start a conversation with her in the lush, comfortable setting that the meetings were held at, her home.

She was now at the ground floor of his building. She hadn’t seen anyone on the way. It seemed deserted enough. Hearing footsteps from the side, she felt her breath raising as she realised that when the murder was found, they will eventually catch her. They always do. She decided she did not want to be seen in the highly excited state she was in currently and stepped into the darkness underneath the stair case. There were three who walked by. She held her breath. The thought of having taken a life hit her and she sobbed. She had never wanted any part of this.

She had a past. He knew of it.

She cried some more. Thinking back to everything done that day, she was sure she hadn’t left any tell tale signs of it being her. In any case, the man’s wardrobe had enough evidence against him. He had files against a lot of people. That, apparently, seemed to be his passion.

She walked away, always making sure of remaining in the blind side.

Opening the front door to her home, she was crushed with a sense of relief. She could stay in peace. She collapsed on her springy bed.

Waking up to the alarm, she stood up, groggily. Which was when she noticed it.

A letter. Addressed to Mary Sander, in the very same hand writing that was unique to all the letters Jared had communicated in.

“There are laws and we are a group that holds people in place. Our methods might seem a bit crude to lay man’s eyes, but it is all in the interest of building a better society.

You have passed your final test. Should you wish to join us, you shall be paid equivalent to the president of your country. If you wish to pass, this will be the last you hear of us. Or of anyone.

Yes, we have the proof of you murdering your husband. If you are so bent on knowing the truth : you did not kill him. Jared had to. It was his final test. Your husband happened to have views contradictory to ours. He happened to feel that death is not for us to pass judgement on. He was a part of us, although he did not realise the kind of organisation that we were, his job being to keep accounts. He did not realise that everything was code named. And that the sudden money we acquired were all from people who decided not to join us, and not from charity. He happened to stumble upon the truth when some blundering idiot left a page of a mission report in the accounts book while translating it into code words. You, fortunately for us, had been run over by a car and forgot a major part of your memories. We merely messed with your head till you were made to believe you killed him. We even made up evidence with you in the room when you were in a trance state, not able to comprehend what was going on around you.

This letter, will self destruct in 10 minutes of being in contact with human warmth. You will have no evidence whatsoever and we are too big an organisation for you to take down. I do not wish to see your pretty face on the floor next. Which reminds me. Jared was supposed to entice you and get you in our group because we have noticed your talents from before. Your meek exterior was a show and we knew you could be one of us easily. But he happened to fall for you. You never would have guessed that from his demeanour but he was in love with you. And he was trying to give you subtle hints to run away without compromising what he was doing to us. I happened to have gotten a whiff of what he was up to and I turned the tables on him. The picture of Jared murdering your brother that arrived in today’s morning post? That was a set up. They were lovers. We do not approve of gay behaviour. Anyhow, that is in the past.

Will you join us or leave?”

Feeling numb, Mary thought back to the words Jared had used whenever he showed her the picture of her killing her husband. He said that her husband was worried about her cheating and had set up video cameras. And that she had killed him in a fit of anger upon finding out the hidden cameras and the reason for the usage of the same. Now that she thought deeply, she never would have cheated. There was no reason to, anyway. Sander would have known that as well. They had loved each other far too much. Jared had repetitively said “Get me so and so money or I will kill you”. His last statement was “I will kill you”. If someone were to try to kill her, she would have to find back up. Her husband must have kept back up. He must have suspected something was up. She searched the house top to bottom and hours later, not getting the bag of back up that she supposed existed, she sat down, depressed. She wrung her hands to her forehead. Two people who had loved her had died. One at her hands and one supposedly at her hands. She was missing something.

Two men stood by her body on a white bed. The room was clean. “She did not find it” Karner said, shaking his head in disapproval.

“Well, continue with the program till you get it. Evidently, she does not know the exact location but she is the only one who can make an intelligent guess to its whereabouts” Dave stated as he turned and walked out of the room, to find Jared still awake since the process had begun sitting with slouched shoulders on one of the waiting chairs outside.

“Did it work?” Jared queried.

“No.” Dave let the implications sink in.

“I wish Sander had confided in me. Would’ve saved her all the trouble.”

“You understand it is necessary? The world is swaying to kill itself. Human beings are killing each other. This anti dote that Sander had thought of could succeed in curing people of that. The mob. If only we had gotten to him before the mob. He is dead now and this is the only lead we have. We need to be patient with the process. We did try every other scenario possible. Asking outright failed miserably because she did not even have an inkling of what his work was really about. We tried romantic made up situations where he gifted her the cure. But her mind rejected it as a story in a book. She could not feel the reality we tried to make her feel. This, however, is working. She believes the story because it is too complex to be thought out and because it numbs your nerves to know you killed someone. We need her to go into her subconscious and yearn to look for the anti dote. We need her to believe. I did feel a missing pulse though. It could either mean this story failed and that she understood that was all it was, a story. Or it could mean she is one tiny step close to finding it. We can do nothing else, but wait.”

smartphone

The call came in at 13:08. My grandfather had passed away. The very next thing I did was check Instagram.

My father had called to let me know, separated by oceans as we were. Apparently, it was second nature for me to check Instagram, so much so that I did not even give myself a moment to reflect on this heavy news, I did what was routine. It felt quite dystopian.

Over months after that, there were moments scattered across time when the seeds of my consumption of social media and my phone kept sprouting in my head. And then I met someone, who is now a good friend. She had sworn off the smartphone and had “upgraded” to a basic model. She also cut off internet services at her house. For a time now, I had been thinking quite a bit about these issues, but never had I considered someone would take active steps such as this.

I believe that if enough attention is spent on anything, your mind can do wonders in forming solutions or ideas about it. Since I was discussing the usage of phones in the current era with my friend quite a lot, I was paying more attention to my usage. And then one day, while I was at my lab desk, reading a research paper on my desktop, I realized I kept looking down to my iPad at the desk. I soon found the culprit: I was getting e-mail notifications, and just the notification banner in the corner of my eye was sufficient to command my attention.

I decided I had to change something. I know taking steps like my friend did is somewhat harder for me, and so I started with keeping my phone in sleep mode almost all the time, and only periodically check notifications. This basic switch already made me feel so much better. I still wanted to work on my attention span. I decided I would stick to one task, the one at hand, and not worry over others while I am doing this one. If any thoughts of other came by, I would either make a note of it or leave it for later. When we are at work and we have multiple tasks, we still feel productive even if we switch between the tasks every other minute. But I have come to dislike this. I would rather focus on one, stay on it till my attention naturally starts to waver, which is about half an hour to an hour, and then take a small breather and move to the next task.

These changes in my mindset and behaviour have massively helped in my quality of life and my attention span. I now read even more than before, and I am buzzed with ideas.

I feel when we speak of addiction we tend to think of extreme cases, like maybe an alcoholic unable to keep their paycheck because they need to buy alcohol. But there is a spectrum of addiction that we are vulnerable to and some go under the radar. Paying attention to ourselves and exploring aspects of our lives may well help us be more centred and content.

There is another dimension of this issue that I have been thinking for a long time now: travel and the intentions behind it. In the current smartphone era, it is commonplace to go to places just to capture the momentary photo, bragging I was here. But is that really what lies at the heart of travel? I thought about other things people could do to spend more time per place, and really absorb the surroundings. One possibility was that perhaps people could spend time sketching. But I think fundamentally, we have lost our ability to just remain in one place not really doing anything. We are constantly bombarded with things to do, new posts to check out. I think, in part, the travel problem is not knowing how to be truly present in our everyday lives, even in the mundane daily moments.

I went to NYC recently, and my friend happened to be there as well. She without her smartphone, and me with the map on my phone. She commented that she wanted to explore places without the smartphone and see where that takes her. I realized that we usually have a “bucket list” stemming from other people’s experiences that we ardently try to stick to, recreating someone else’s footsteps. While this is travel as it is known now, I wonder if we can also experiment with travel in a way of intimately getting to know the place without a guideline of activities that one must do.

Society

If I were to write a novel, which story would I choose to tell? This had been on my mind for the past couple of weeks, and today, today I know the answer. It will be about the peculiar loneliness of growing older, of understanding the world better, and of friendships sweet and sour and a bit of both, and yearning for more depths of reasoning from humankind.

Younger me was caught up in the realm of the abstract. I understood the world deeply even then, but I understand more perspectives, and the existence of stupidity and illogical trains of reasoning. I had always considered friendship to be something true, something so genuine and filled with love. Our lives are meant to be multi-dimensional with our partner(s), family, friends, hobbies, and work. It was not supposed to be the present-day trashy version of this beautiful life wherein our value is tied deeply to fitting in, and work. And maybe extended to having a partner. You see, if one challenges status-quo, one calls to question things that most believe in far too deeply and subconsciously to even want to analyze even a little. No, the better path is to fit in, move in line with the rest of the sheep, make that racist comment that supposedly makes everyone laugh, believe in the superiority of some communities or in the normalcy of some and abnormalcy of others, and ensure that you do your part to uphold this rigid system of exploitation and exclusion. Because of course, living the wonderful life that we had a probabilistic chance at is not worth even considering.

My story would revolve around one particular friendship. Someone I had held close to heart for the longest time due to my naivete when I was younger. I had not yet conceived of the notion that people might say one thing and mean another, or that they might lie upright, while they still cared for you in some corner of their heart. That they would be so caught up in lying to themselves to even know that they were, in fact, lying to you, too. I had assumed we would be close friends for a long time, even if not in the same physical area. How absurd that notion seems to me now.

A few months into knowing my friend, and her partner, I wondered as to the origin and the sustenance of this particular pairing. He knew only hate, but even in that, he was quite unoriginal. He hated every community that the mainstream media hated, of course. Because one had to show the sheep the path to follow. It took me quite some time to understand that all was not what it seemed, and that if something did not make sense, you are probably missing a part of the equation. I realized that she was, in fact, a perfect match for him. But my own loneliness had betrayed me and lead me straight deep into a friendship that was not what I thought it was.

I bore with the new information I uncovered by adjusting my own expectations. However, as the months went by, the boyfriend was showing more and more of his true self. Aghast at the level of stupid hate, I reacted to one of his many many sentiments towards yet another community that hunted by society. Yet again, I was naive. I thought that the others would understand me.

The world would rather deceive itself than experience the truth, always. This incident costed me an entire group of peers I was friends with at the time. They were all too happy to exclude me, the one person that made them probably reconsider the otherwise free flow of hateful speech.

The friend I had once been so close with, is now and for ever never by my side. Instead, I bear within me a deeper understanding of “society”.

taxes

as we discuss our weekly tight budgets

I comment on the absurdity of taxes

and where all that money drowns to

They reply, “yes, can you imagine

they re-made the tennis court”

But I was thinking about bombs

destruction, and streets stained red

with innocent civilian blood

ostracised

tossed out, ostracised

“She’s crazy” the accusations began

all for the crime

of stating the emperor

wasn’t in fact wearing clothes

for repeating things said and done

by another

because doing the crime

remains unpunished

but pointing it out

leads to persecution

With the cult of enablers

whose sole purpose in existence

is upholding sweet ol’ oppression

without which who indeed will

bear the bulls-eye forced on their backs,

who will perform the exploited labour?

tortured poet

tortured poet…

how is one a tortured poet

when the cries of the many

oppressed around the world

are drowned by money and sold souls

Are personal issues truly that torturing

and not the blown apart pieces of

civilian bodies?

born in the wrong place, the wrong time

wrong colour, in a wretched world

so backward that human rights

go to hell

is that not truly what tortures one?

what’s in a flag?

I fear the moment

my pride in my flag tranforms

to fear of people who plaster

them everywhere

(as I feel towards some)


a flag holds the rich history

of a united people

if that history was indeed formed

in liberation

and not genocide and oppression


but I am saddened

I see the meaning of my flag

change to something grotesque


I hope the true meaning

behind my flag

is restored in time

before unnecessary hateful bloodshed

Society, reimagined

I have been thinking of making this a series where I can keep adding points as they come to mind. This is about what should be our current society, an alternate reality if you will, so that for once I get to write something positive rather than my critiques which are bleak. This is also to maybe push the boundaries of my imagination for a better future and maybe find ways to move towards that.

  1. If we continue to have governments and politicians, and if they continue to be funded by organizations, I think every time there are at a public event, their suits should have the brand logos of organizations funding them stitched into it big enough for people to see and understand the different biases they have.
  2. Community kitchen: this is for the current society, not in the one I’m imagining now since the alternate one has no homelessness. For the current society, a place where the kitchen appliances are provided so that homeless people need not always buy restaurant food which is expensive and unhealthy, but can buy a few ingredients at the grocery store and make something healthy and cheap.
  3. No form of discrimination, be it with respect to race, religion, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, whatever. No one community is superior to another. We are all interconnected and hurting one hurts the whole. Rather we learn from each other about the collective cultures across generations.
  4. Free housing, basic food needs (but good healthy food), free education, free healthcare, and continuing free libraries. I think these are all fundamental to human existence and I don’t think anybody should be denied any of this.
  5. Minimum wage must be high enough for living a good life and being able to afford whatever required. And then, based on the skill required and risk taken, wages can be increased. This means that a person cleaning the sewer must be paid a very high wage since it is a risky job.
  6. Society should focus on innovation and creation and not just bundling things in some marketing schemes to make it sound or look good. Content versus appearance. I would rather have good quality flights than some CEO who talks charismatically as I fall off the sky. This also means that teachers, professors, researchers, scientists should be better paid that marketing individuals.
  7. Third places: there is an utter lack of third places in the current society which forces us to buy something whenever we want to hang out with people. Buy food, buy an experience. I think there should be so many third places where people can comfortably hang out and not have to pay for the feeling of community.
  8. Coexistence with nature: draining the extremely finite resources on Earth for some profits on a made up economy is neither a sustainable nor an intelligent thing to do. It is quite literally sitting on a branch of the tree and sawing the branch off without being aware that we would fall once it’s sawed off. The earth has seen the rise and the fall of many great civilisations. Thinking that we will be an eternal one is foolishness.
  9. It should be considered as not only morally wrong but also embarrassing when people try to hold up oppressive systems. When the cops of current society show us that they will only protect the rich and the ruling class, it should be considered as such an embarrassing thing to do and they should be ostracised.
  10. We encourage cruelty by being a bystander when people discriminate against any community because we want to “fit in”, because we tell ourselves “it’s just a joke”. React appropriately. Ostracise these elements so that society can grow instead of killing each other because of something so trivial as a community they are from.
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